Category Archives: Writing

On Invisible Illness

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This week is Invisible Awareness Week, and my post about it is a day later than I wanted it to be, which is right on par with the way things are going right now.

In fact, I wasn’t planning on just posting about it; I was scheduled to present a virtual seminar this week and due to intense schedule conflicts, and with great regret, I had to cancel. (I’m already percolating ideas for next year, so we will see…)

I’d originally planned this post to be a continuation of the conversation about illness versus disability I’ve had here on A Chronic Dose. To wit, I recently sat through an HR orientation and was pleasantly surprised by the time and attention the speaker gave to “invisible” conditions.

But that post didn’t work out as planned, either, though I do promise to return to it.

Instead, though it’s a day later than what I wanted and not neatly focused like I’d planned, all I can do is write about where I am right now.

Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Exhilarated. Optimistic. Anxious. Trying to plan for the unpredictable, willing my body to cooperate for me and not let me down, and trying to squash the voice that’s whispering Haven’t you learned anything yet?

I’m adjusting to some new work changes and client load and embracing the opportunities with gratitude. It is a precarious balance, though, and while I loathe cliché, it does seem like all it will take is one slip and everything could tumble down like a house of cards.

I mean, all I have to do is stay as healthy as possible, right? (Insert cynical tone here.)

But I cannot indulge the what-if’s and the doubts. It does me no good, and it flies in the face of my reason thoughts on hope.

And really, in the middle of a lot of changes and decisions and pressure, what this tension is about is identity. It’s an ongoing evolution; just when I think I’ve established a groove, I need to re-calibrate.

I’m a writer. I’m also a consultant, an editor, a professor, and a patient. Sometimes those roles overlap, like when I was asked to teach a course using my first book as a core text. (Talk about the personal and the professional colliding. I might have more to say about that later.) Often, the roles aren’t as blatantly converged, like when I sign on new freelance editorial clients, or when I stand in front of other classrooms and hand out syllabi and the only way anyone might know about my patient experiences would be if they Googled me. (Hello, potential Googlers!)

Clearly it’s no secret, but this part of life is something I leave outside the classroom and client conversations. This division is frenetic, but necessary.

I thought about how I wanted to be identified by others (which of course is much more about how I want to see myself), and the whole notion of public versus private while I waited for my new physical therapist to arrive last night.

My normal therapist is away, and I haven’t had anyone besides him for six years. (Yes, I am spoiled.) Having a health care provider visit your house is such a different experience than going to a hospital for treatment. A complete stranger comes into your living room, performs a rather physical treatment on sensitive body parts, and is witness to all minutiae and vulnerabilities of private life: the mail on the front table, the barking dogs, what you’re making for dinner, and often, what you look like in pre-dawn hours when your glasses are still on and your pajamas don’t match and you reach for the spit cup.

“So how was your day?” she asked when we were settled into position, as if we were picking up from an earlier conversation. Because you know, that’s what you do when someone you’ve known for about 90 seconds is thumping your chest and it’s dinner time and your dogs are slamming their bones on the hardwood floor, begging for attention.

“Long but productive,” I said. And from there we talked about where she lived and how I worked near there. We talked about writing and teaching and graduate school, and we talked about rescue dogs and traffic and commuting.

And even though she was there because I have PCD and bronchiectasis and I was literally choking in phlegm before she arrived, it didn’t really come up.

It wasn’t that my illnesses were invisible (um, hello hacking cough and vigorous clapping) but they were not defining.

The point of Invisible Illness Week is to spread awareness to others. This week, I think I was the one who needed to appreciate that sometimes the push and pull, the tension between being a patient and being a person, the re-calibrating of roles—it all settles out.

One day at a time.

Beyond Memes: Public versus Private

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There’s an interesting meme going around Facebook and blogs right now: 30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know. With Invisible Illness Week quickly approaching, the questions posed are particularly resonant.

I’ve thought a lot about how I’d answer the questions. For some, I had immediate replies, like “Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was __” (live abroad for a year) and “The hardest part about mornings are __” (trying to be awake and, you know, pleasant for early morning chest PT). But several of them touched on things that my experiences don’t speak to in the same way; namely, the “before” and “after” of illness onset, or, most notably, “If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would__.”

Like many lifelong patients, this is my normal. I cannot long for what I cannot imagine. But the question of which is better, to have known healthy before getting sick or to have never known healthy—a question that comes up fairly often—actually hints at something deeper than these static boundaries. This is my normal, this is the life I created from the circumstances in which I found myself and I would not trade what I have created for a taste of a different meaning of normal.

Though I’m not going to complete the whole meme here, I think it can be incredibly useful, and not just for people adjusting to sudden or adult-onset chronic illness. As I read people’s replies about what nice/surprising things others have done for them, it hit me how much of that is my normal, too. I’ve always been sick, I’ve always been surrounded by friends and family, so I have, quite literally, grown up having people respond to me with compassion, loyalty, and empathy.

In fact, the hospital visits, cards, phone calls, Fed-Ex’ed mix CDs, etc and the intrinsic knowing that there are people who will come in the middle of the night if they are ever asked form such an enormous debt of gratitude I feel no amount of similar deeds I do for others can ever repay it.

(Of course there have been moments of the opposite, and friendships that didn’t survive this, but like the careless comments, insensitive assumptions, or completely inane expectations I’ve received, they are exceptions, not the norm. Er, normal. Not trying to pun here.)

I’m not saying I haven’t had adjustments to make, or new realities to forge. I didn’t get correctly diagnosed with some of my more serious problems until I was an adult, and my treatments changed significantly. And like most patients with chronic illness, my health status fluctuates frequently and drastically, so life is a constant cycle of readjustment.

After mulling this over for a few days, though, I think the more striking “before” and “after” I can point to is that between illness being public or private. For twenty-three years I was sick and while it seeped into everything I did and every decision I made, it wasn’t something I talked about outside of family, friends, teachers, and of course, doctors. I’ve had some sort of a byline since I was 14, but the only piece of “public” writing that concerned illness was my college essay, and that was mainly because I felt I should probably explain why I missed the better part of two years of high school. You know, minor details.

And then, as the story goes, I found myself in a nonfiction course in my MFA program with a looming deadline and I didn’t know what else to write about, so I wrote about life in the hospital and suddenly, eleven other people knew more about my thoughts and emotions during medical crises than most people in my life did.

Weird.

A few years, a few hundred blog posts, one book and another in the works, and many, many exchanges with other writers, bloggers, and patients later, here I am. And as much as I work to update and refine my reality based on the color of my lung secretions, how much air I can breathe in, or what other random infection or problem that springs up, I find the balance between private and public just as important and just as complicated.

I strive for the universals of modern chronic illness but know those depend on particulars. After all, all writing must tell a good story, and that story comes in the details. I embrace the conversations and explorations a more public illness experience allows for, and I appreciate the irony that people who read what I write are sometimes more in tune with what’s going on than people I know—it’s a macro version of that first workshop experience I had as an MFA student.

But for all the stuff that happens offline, the daily minutiae and the more serious decisions and reactions that are part of my normal that do not make their way into my posts, I am equally grateful for the private experience of illness.

And so to return to the meme, let’s look at #26: “When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them__.” Based on this post, I’d tell them of the value of online communities and social media, of how interesting and affirming it can be to read other people’s experiences and see traces of your own story in them. I’d tell them to connect, to leave comments on blogs, to know no one has all the answers but you should always be open to learning from others’ perspectives.

And I’d tell them that the best-case scenario is to also have someone you can call when you are crying and need someone to hear the tears, or when you have good news that the people who have traveled this long road with you offline can appreciate the most.

So Long, Summer

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It’s been an usually long time since I’ve written—somehow, life and all its unpredictability conspired against me in terms of writing time.

And in the past several days, while I was adjusting to major work changes and family health stuff, entertaining visiting friends and making doctor appointments (because the good always accompanies the not-so-good, which keeps us sane and moving forward, I think) summer somehow slipped away. The cold, rainy weather of this past June and July and the two-week sweltering heat of late August did not constitute a real summer to my New England psyche, so today’s brisk temperatures and distinct autumnal crispness feel a bit hollow—you can’t say goodbye to those stereotypically lazy, hazy days of summer that really never happened.

As you know, I’ve been dreading the return of fall and winter in a way I never have before. Normally the choking humidity of summer in Boston and the luster of the promise of a fresh new start is a powerful combination that leaves me pining for September by, oh, July 4th. Seriously. I used to be the kid who had all her school supplies bought (hello, Trapper-Keepers and erasable pens) and organized by mid-July.

This year, not so much, but for good reason. I didn’t have any serious infections or freak medical calamities, which was a refreshing change. I got to sit next to President Clinton and talk about health care reform, and celebrated my fourth wedding anniversary. I woke up and on most days, I was able to complete the tasks I wanted. The daily maintenance and ministrations of chronic illness were white noise, routine parts of my life that did not define my life.

I want this trend to continue, despite the shorter days, the copious amounts of germs that accompany winter, the threat of H1N1(I’m not paranoid, just acutely conscious of my risks, just like I am with regular seasonal influenza), etc.

As I think back to my last post on hope (forgive the stream of consciousness style of this post), I’m reminded that we never can tell how things will unfold, personally or professionally. All we can do is move forward, do our best to minimize the variables we can control for, and adjust when necessary.

I have a medical plan in place to try and prevent another winter like last year, and more than that, I have a lot of things to look forward to this fall: new career challenges in academia, moving forward with my book, etc. As much as I’ve been willing time to stop lately, it hit me when I dropped some of my fall clothes off at the dry cleaners last night: that queasy feeling of anticipation.

September’s here, and I have every reason to believe (or to hope) it will be the start of good things.

***
Speaking of new changes and things to look forward to, I’m pleased to announce that my friend and colleague Jenni Prokopy from ChronicBabeand I are starting a radio show this fall. The Chronic Truth will debut in a few weeks on BlogTalk Radio. It will feature a variety of topics (diagnoses and doctors, relationships, health reform, etc), and will include guest experts, listener questions, etc.

We’re both really excited to collaborate on this (we had a blast doing our podcast) and will get the rest of details out to you as soon as we can.

Hope (or something like it)

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“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.”
—Emily Dickinson

Fourteen years after I learned this poem for my freshman English class, I still remember every line. No, this is not because I am a fervent Emily Dickinson fan but because the paper I wrote about this poem turned out to be the first of several papers my teacher proceeded to read to her sophomore class, according to the sophomores cornered me at lunch to tell me. They were not at all impressed.

To get an idea of how awesome it felt to be the English nerd, here’s some more context for how cool I felt: the fall of my freshman year in high school, I was in a new school where a.) everyone knew each other already and b.) no one had ever heard of my hometown and didn’t seem all that interested in finding out more about it–or me. While everyone bonded on fall sports teams, I hobbled around on crutches, my reconstructed ankle still months away from healing. I prayed my ears wouldn’t visibly spew infected crap during school hours, and tried to hide how wheezy I got traipsing through the sweltering hallways one crutch step at a time.

Oh, and obviously I had glasses and braces, but come on, you knew that was coming.

As an adult, I can somewhat appreciate my teacher’s misguided enthusiasm for my ability to write a cohesive essay, but I wish she’d, you know, just written me a margin note or something instead of using my work to coerce her other classes into writing. She did my one-girl crusade for normalcy (invisibility?) no favors.

But enough digression. I’ve been thinking a lot about the word (or really the concept of) hope lately.

Some more context: I am a person of extremes. Now, I’ve evolved a little from my crazy full-course-load-and editing the school newspaper-and interning-and volunteering or spending-weeks-in-the-hospital dual existence in college. I’ve gotten sicker, I’ve matured, I’ve changed my treatment regimen, I’ve re-prioritized things and I’ve learned that occasionally, limits and common sense are good things. There is a middle ground between 18-hour days and the ICU.

But in many ways, I am still all-or-nothing. It is a strength and a weakness. Those who know me in real life know this. I know I certainly experience my emotions like this. When I get good news or learn about possibilities, I get so excited. The tenor in my voice changes, I have more energy, I am consumed. When there is reason to be joyful, I am not someone who can hide it, not in my words, my diction, my gestures, my expressions.

And this is a good thing—I don’t want to become someone who cannot or does not experience things so fully. But it is not without complications: my expectations for things are high, and my disappointment is correspondingly low. I can be hot-headed, and easily frustrated when things don’t work out. I can push things past the limit, and I can get too focused on doing to remember that goals are great but this does not mean they are not subject to revision. And sometimes should be subject to revision.

As I sit here preparing for another fall semester, I can’t help but think of that poem for more than its cringe-worthy memories. Though it has only been hot and summery for a few days in Boston, the shadow of autumn still manages to cut through the hazy humidity of summer. Leaves are scattered across the lawn already, and syllabi and new schedules must be set.

And for as much I love the fresh slate that is September, I am not ready. I’ve only just gained some semblance of stable health and in such a visceral way, I dread giving pieces of it back to every infection I know will come. My jaw clenches thinking about it. I do not want evenings to start at 4pm, I do not want to cough up blood, or lose holidays and weekends.

I would love September, if only October-April did not follow it.

I’ve put in long (long) hours on the book I am writing, and have realized the process is much slower than I had anticipated this time around. Reluctantly, I take research detours and “let things marinate” because it is what the book demands, but it goes against my nature to do this, especially with my daily word count stipulations hanging over me.

I’m expanding my editorial business and love connecting with clients and taking on new projects, and my excitement for it consumes me.

I am not patient. If I were, I would not exist so often in extremes. I have high expectations for my writing projects, for my career, for my health to remain stable, and for our future family (and that is certainly not an easy or quick process, either.)

I do not want to stand still when it is my nature to equate motion with progress. I do not want setbacks or delays; nor do I want winter, or to miss daily word counts, or to have taken such a circuitous route thus far towards being a parent.

And yet I yield.

All I can do is have hope: hope that things come to fruition as they are meant to; hope that I will have the wisdom to know when to pull back or push forward; hope that decisions we make now are right later, and hope that I don’t ever move too far from extremes. I don’t ever want to forget that fluttery, excited, jittery, all-consuming feeling. It took me fourteen years to name it as hope.

An Issue of Scope

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It’s been a more eventful few weeks than normal, what with last-minute
trips to New York, visiting old haunts in Dublin, dealing with epic technology fails, and the assorted messiness and unpredictability of daily life.

Still, no matter how wonderful or frustrating these distractions are, they haven’t supplanted the main thing looming in my mind right now:

I’m having a bit of scope issue these days (and yes, here’s where the “writing” part of the writing blog comes in). For a huge project I’m working on, I’m asking a lot of questions I don’t know the answers to yet, questions I am not even sure have resolute answers…which is of course a great thing. After all, questions with known answers aren’t exactly intellectually stimulating.

However, the flipside to being really interested in something and asking lots of questions means that as soon as you locate research and information and begin to understand something, you realize how much more you need to know. And then when you find that next piece of the story, yet more doors open. It’s an exhilarating, exhausting cycle. I’ve gathered thousands of pages of journal articles, newspaper/magazine articles, essays, and statistics. I’ve read and annotated dozens of books, and am in the middle of several rounds of interviews with people all of all persuasions—patients, doctors, researchers, activists, policymakers, etc.

I can sit at my desk and quite literally be surrounded by mounds of resources, fully organized and categorized, and still not know exactly what I am doing. I know this is part of the process, I know this is how it should be, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information I have. Some of the research articles or carefully annotated passages from books I know I won’t end up using, some of it I know is still out there and is information I will need, I just don’t know it yet. How much context do I need, how much background is appropriate, how can I possibly touch on the surface of topics that are so big each could warrant a book on its own?

To talk myself of the ledge of information overload, I’ve had to remind myself that all of it matters, that it’s all shaping something bigger and eventually it will become clear to me how the pieces fit. None of the knowledge will be in vain. Seriously, I’ve actually said this to myself in my head. (What can I say? Writing can be an isolating existence at times. I’m lucky I don’t say it to dogs.)

It reminds me a little of one of my early experiences freelancing. I pitched Idea A to a newspaper editor, who teased out a smaller thread from my original idea and assigned me Idea B as the story. I jumped in, reading multiple books, wading through research, interviewing national experts, revising draft after draft. I became truly engrossed in the topic, and rattled off statistics and factoids without ceasing to anyone unfortunate enough to ask me about it. I’m fairly certain my neck flushed and I talked with my hands, which happens when I’m either nervous or really animated.

Then the editor decided it wasn’t the right fit for her page after all. Of course I was upset; no byline, no paycheck, no recompense for hours and hours of work. But I don’t regret the experience at all. I now know so much about direct-to-consumer advertising of pharmaceuticals, and I still have strong feelings about it. The foundation I got from that story comes in handy when I’m interviewing people for other stories, when I’m doing research for my book, when I’m reading and responding to other blogs and essays, when I’m thinking about health reform, when I’m watching television or flipping through a magazine and am inundated with bouncing balls, buzzing bees, or luminous butterflies.

And when I have classes full of pharmacy students? I don’t regret for a second all the knowledge I gained because it allows me to engage in a more meaningful dialogue with them.

So yes, I sometimes need to remind myself that all of this data that is flying around will settle, and that none of it will be in vain. In a way, it’s also similar to all the researching and trial and error we do when we’re narrowing down diagnoses or testing different treatments. Not everything is going to yield the exact answer you’re looking for in that moment, but eventually you find it will answer other important questions, too.

While I prefer concrete answers when it comes to diagnoses and treatments, despite its stresses I see the value in unraveling questions. When it comes to writing, I wouldn’t want it a different way.

Musings at the One-Year Mark

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A year ago today, I wrote this post to mark the official publication date of my first book, Life Disrupted. I talked about blogging, writing, and storytelling, and the power of narrative and the responsibility that comes with writing other people’s stories.

In the year since the book published, I’ve learned a lot, from how to pace book readings and radio interviews to how to switch gears from asking the questions and writing the material to being on the other side of the story. I’ve had the chance to connect with readers in person and online, and I’ve been fortunate to hear their stories. On the one hand, I’ve been particularly surprised by how many people with rare diseases I’ve heard from, yet perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by that. I’ve said it before, but I really do believe the universals of living with illness outweigh disease-specific symptoms: denial, acceptance, disclosure, survival, guilt, vulnerability, etc.

(Interestingly enough, one specific thing in the book that resonated with a lot of readers was the infamous “honey mustard incident”—I guess reaching our own personal breaking points, even if the trigger itself is inconsequential, also defies diagnosis or length of illness.)

This notion of community or belonging is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, both in terms of what I do here on this blog and in a much broader sense of the chronic illness population. I don’t consider this a celiac blog or a rare disease blog or a PCD blog but I write about issues related to living with those conditions when appropriate. It’s not a chronic pain blog per se, or an autoimmune disease blog, or an infertility blog, but again, when those topics are relevant to my life or readers’ lives, I write. I like writing about policy—and right now, there’s plenty of grist for that—but again, that’s part of the chronic illness experience.

Kairol Rosenthal recently wrote a great piece on the young adult cancer community, where she wondered if staying too close in the “safe” world of like patients meant missing out on the shared (relevant) experiences of others. She found she could learn from patients with totally different diagnoses who also had the same worries and fears.

Coupled with this post, a concept we discussed at the President Clinton event has been rattling around in my head for the past week or so. The conversation was about race, religion, respect and how (if) attitudes have evolved over the past few years, but Clinton’s thoughts on identity are very applicable to illness as well. He said (summarizing here) that often humans tend to identify ourselves by negative reference to others—so instead of saying “I am X” we are likely to say, “I am not X.”

Taking that and applying it to chronic illness gets interesting. There are divisions we could use to define ourselves everywhere: those who are lifelong patients versus those who get diagnosed as adults; those whose conditions are life-altering and those whose conditions are life-threatening; those with familiar, common diseases and those with rare diseases; those who live with chronic pain versus those who don’t; those who have a solid support system or access to appropriate health care versus those who might not…the list could go on.

We’ve all experienced negative referencing, whether it’s the waiting room where people are “competing” over who is the sickest, whether it’s in the doctor’s office when we’re filling out forms and checking off boxes that label our conditions, whether it is an offhand comment made by someone that hurts us. I started to do it myself above when I talked about all the labels that do not fit this blog. Really, chronic illness is a huge umbrella term and we all fit under it in some way or another.

Yes, of course there are very real differences—the newly diagnosed patient will face the shock of the “before” and “after” in a way others won’t; the person with a rare condition might face more roadblocks and challenges in diagnosis than the person whose condition can be diagnosed with a simple blood test. That is natural and inevitable. Over the past year, I’ve been lucky to hear from so many people who identify by inclusion, who seek out the shared experiences and emotions. As a society, hopefully we can continue to evolve in this regard. As patients, hopefully we can do that, too.

Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for giving me something to write about.

And of course, thank you for reading.

Great Expectations

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I have a definite routine to my reading—every morning, it’s the Boston Globe, the NYT, and then I scan Salon and Slate, keeping track of relevant news, health/science updates, etc. (I get up early and I’m a fast reader). And like many of you, I have a blog routine, a bunch of sites I check in on regularly or follow through feeds.

One of my favorite non health-related blogs is Penelope Trunk’s Brazen Careerist, which is “advice at the intersection of work and life.” I don’t even remember how I started following it—likely it was a blog read by someone whose blog I read, because isn’t that how it always works? Her posts about Generation Y (by most measures I am technically a “Y” but sometimes I’m an “X”), and navigating a career path her thoughts on the “life” part of the work-life balance are smart, entertaining, and often funny. They make me think, even if I don’t always agree, and that’s why I like them so much.

As I sat down to write a post this morning—coffee consumed, chest PT and reading completed, full day’s worth of tasks listed and ready to be tackled, and the same overwhelmed feeling I went to sleep with currently coiling my stomach—I was blank. Sometimes I have posts I am burning to write, paragraphs form in my head during my treatments, transitions cement themselves while I am at the gym, ideas get jotted down on my laptop’s Stickie notes or in the notebook I carry with me everywhere.

When I don’t have something I am really interested in or compelled by, I won’t post for the sake of posting. I realized, though, that this overwhelmed feeling was something I wanted to write about, this mix of anxiety, apprehension, hope, optimism, fear, and excitement that is my constant companion lately. But I’m less interested in the teeth-grinding and the late-night list-making part of it, and I bet you are, too.

No, a much better way to broach this topic is to turn to this post on Brazen Careerist, “Career lessons from Susan Boyle’s Success.” Penelope makes several great points about talent, hard work, and mentors. But the part that resonated the most with me, the thing I needed, was about Seth Godin’s writing on The Dip. She summarizes his idea: “…You have to try something big, and you have to accept that anything big and huge requires you to have a dip – a point when you are wondering if it is worth it. And that’s where most people quit. For the most part, you cannot do something big without going through this process.” She drew parallels to her current start-up company, and to Susan Boyle’s choice of a really hard, really “big” song to bust out with on Britain’s Got Talent.

I think a lot of us are in various stages of the dip right now. Maybe we’re trying to reinvent ourselves after an economy-inspired career change. Maybe we’re at tough parts of a diagnostic health journey, or working through a challenging stage in a relationship.

(Or maybe, like in my house, we’re grappling with a book project and other work that is as exhilarating as it is exhausting, or we’re preparing for a huge exam with a ridiculous amount of material covered and an insanely low pass rate. You know, just as examples.)

Whatever the scenario may be, we’re all operating on the assumption that the hard work and sacrifice are worth it, that the difficult decisions we’ve agonized over in bed, in doctor’s offices,at our desks, etc are the right ones.

We all have our dips, personally and professionally. And I also think that most of the time, now matter how tired or confused we are, we know it is worth it, that anything worth having is worth the demanding journey to get to that goal.

But it sure is nice to have someone remind us now and again.

Do You Have a Job? (Or, The Truth About Self-Employment)

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“Are you an epidemiologist?” the man in the seat next to me asked, gesturing towards the 200-page deep stack of journal articles I’d been attempting to annotate for most of our flight.

“No, but it would sure make this easier if I were. I’m a writer,” I told him. I noticed he was reading a book about epidemics, and for the last twenty minutes of the flight, we had a great discussion about disease, drugs, and the social influences on the two.

Turns out, he works for a tiny pharmaceutical company where the handful of employees work mainly from home. We left diseases and drugs aside to discuss working from home—or, more accurately, the misconceptions about it and the hidden benefits of it. I work from home part of the time, and I was traveling to speak at a symposium about young adults with chronic illness in the workforce, so this was definitely up my alley.

I’ve been told I’ve been a bit feisty lately, and this subject definitely gets me animated. Despite how many people telecommute or are self-employed, I still feel like sometimes there’s this attitude that working from home is somehow easier, less demanding, or less real “work.” My fellow passenger has noticed the same vibe.

Um, no. It’s different, but not easier. This isn’t an illness-specific post; so many writers, editors, artists, designers, consultants, sales people, etc work from home or are self-employed, and they know it’s just as draining as the 9-5 grind, but in its own ways.

A few days a week I do not have to deal with commuting, and I realize how fortunate that makes me. But I’m also at my computer, chest PT completed and coffee consumed, and at work by 7:30 at the latest every day, so I put that commuting time to good use. While the isolation of working from home can be an issue, my airplane companion pointed out a real bonus of that isolation: he doesn’t waste time being distracted by office chatter, people popping in to ask him questions or procrastinate; he just gets his work done.

“I get more done working straight through from early morning to lunchtime than most people do in a whole workday,” he said.

I can relate. My office is my laptop, and while I break for lunch and then again at dinnertime to go to the gym, I come home and usually get back to work, sometimes not stopping till 11pm. This is not a complaint, and it’s partially just my personality to be like that so I have no one to blame for the lack of boundaries but myself. I’ve started trying to leave my laptop up in my office after 8pm so I’m not tempted to work, and the physical boundary of the staircase is helpful.

I don’t have to slog through snow and rain when I leave the office at night (well, I do during the semester, so I know it stinks), but the flipside to that is that I don’t ever “leave work at the office.” (Does anyone ever, really? Even if it’s just thinking about it?) Any writer or teacher can relate: weekends, evenings, and holidays equal copious essay reading and grading and client deadlines and research and e-mail requests. I’m being honest when I say the last time I didn’t do any type of work on a weekend or vacation was my honeymoon almost four years ago. Anyone in any kind of freelance position knows that when you’re not pitching, pitching, pitching now, you’re not getting paid later. It’s exhilarating and a good motivator, certainly, but only if your risk tolerance can take it. It’s not for everyone.

Again, this is by no means a complaint. I’ve made these choices in my life and am responsible for the outcomes and I love writing books, teaching college students, and freelancing. I love that I have the flexibility to go to the doctors when I need to and make up the work, and that I can avoid public places where I could catch things during bad months. I also know those of you who are not self-employed can say the same thing about working weekends and vacations—most people I know log incredibly long hours and they don’t have the choice to do it from their homes like I do.

Really, I’m just saying that while there are many, many positives to working from home, like setting our own schedules or wearing comfortable clothes, that doesn’t mean it’s some kind of cakewalk where we’re merely lounging in pajamas and watching television, or that our workday hours aren’t as valuable (or as stressful) as other people’s.

Can you tell that I’ve heard comments like that and that I get lots and lots of interruptions during the day because I’m “not at work?” Does anyone else have this problem? I think part of the reason I struggle with work-life balance and boundaries on my own is because I have to work so hard to combat the assumption I do not have a job because I am not in an office environment. Seriously, it’s been a few years of doing the teaching and writing thing, and I have someone who still asks me if I have a job…well, my college students don’t teach themselves and books and articles don’t write themselves, and so yes, I’d say I have a job. And I have two offices: one on campus, one in my house. Neither is more “real” than the other.

(And as an aside, the days where self-employed people who are also chronically ill actually are in their pajamas? No cakewalk either, despite how good I’ve gotten at typing while hooked up to my nebulizer.)

I’ve done both, and there are definitely things I miss about the traditional workplace: the interaction with co-workers, the stable paycheck, the benefits, the ability to take a real sick day. I know, I know, there are also many downsides to 9-5: cranky bosses, gossipy co-workers, office politics, long commutes, unwanted travel, unfulfilling projects, etc. I guess that’s my whole point: neither option is without its benefits as well as drawbacks. Let’s make sure we respect the work that is done on both sides.

My mother always said she could tell I was feeling better when I got feisty (really, a tactful word for ornery when she used it) so I guess this is a good sign.

Oh, and the presentations about employment were a blast. Once I’m up there I have a lot of fun. The icing on the cake? Having dinner with the equally fabulous Paula Kamen and Jenni Prokopy, where we ate delicious GF food and talked about one of my favorites subjects: narrative medicine.…and of the work that is writing, of course.

Fragmented (or, the post where I come clean…)

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“I don’t like your body language. You’re not yourself,” was the first thing my doctor said as he entered the room. I was slumped in my chair, and I didn’t need a mirror to know I was pale and my eyes were ringed with dark circles. I did not jump up to greet him like I normally do, and I did not talk quickly or with animation like I normally do. Also, I did not contradict him; I didn’t like my body language, either.

(Apparently, this is what six months of virtually continuous infections will do to a patient’s posture.)

“What’s on your mind? You’re not yourself,” my husband said to me one night as I closed my laptop and stared listlessly at the television, trying to ignore the clutter of the “sick camp” that had taken over our living room: nebulizer and pill bottles fighting for space with stacks of research books, student papers, and half-empty mugs of tea. I was tired of typing while lying down.

(Apparently, this is what six months of virtually continuous infections will do to the coffee table.)

“Are you sure you’re alright today? You’re just not yourself,” my mother said to me in a quiet corner of an otherwise crowded baby shower. She delicately inquired if I was wearing any blush (hint: you need some) and pointed towards the table where I could sit. As I made my way across the room, more than one surprised person said to me: “Oh wow, you’re here. You never make it to showers or events.”

(Apparently, this is what six months of virtually continuous infections will do to my ability to be reliable.)

I do not have direct confirmation from the students I fear I have been short with, the clients and many others still waiting for responses from me somewhere out there in cyberspace, or the friends whose calls I’ve missed or plans I’ve cancelled, but I’m willing to bet they’d agree with this assessment that I am not myself.

Not to get all meta on you, but even here on this blog I feel as though my voice has been slightly off; more cursory and more willing to point you to other places for interesting material rather than being a destination for the discussion itself.

Now, as a general rule I find the term “not myself” a bit vague and useless—how can I be anything other than myself? But the point is well taken; I am not acting as I normally do (or talking, sitting, thinking, and basically getting through the day as I normally do.) I admit it.

For one, I am fragmented. This is something I hear from so many people right now, and I’ve noticed it on several blogs the past few weeks—people taking a break from blogging, or taking a break from commenting and reading, or disconnecting from everything for a bit because there is too much going on. Seems like so many people are taking on more projects and extra work with less time and energy to do it all.

In my world, the freelance deadlines, the huge research project, the class prep and essay grading, the student e-mails (and phone calls!) late at night and early in the morning, the presentations and speaking engagements, and the many other things constantly piling up equal working seven days a week. But I know that while the work details themselves may be different for others, the end result is the same: we’re all being pulled in several different directions.

Usually, though, I thrive on this kind of juggling. This is how it’s always been, and I’ve always thought of it as multi-tasking, not being fragmented.

So what’s different? I just haven’t had the energy to fully engage in most of the things I need to do. “It takes so much energy to simply get through the day and get home that there’s nothing left for anything else,” I told my husband.

I’ve been blaming it all on the long winter here in Boston, sort of joking when I do. But it’s the truth—no winter is ever good for me, but the months from September through right now have been an unusually bad few months. Nothing exotic or hugely interesting, which is why I’ve been hesitant to write about it much, just one infection after another after another after another. Ad infinitum, it seems. In almost seven months, I’ve gone a whopping nine days between infections.

(I’m tempted to say I have the immune system of a gnat right now, but knowing little about gnats, I’m worried that may not be as helpful an analogy as I’d hoped.)

Again, none of this is unexpected in people like me; for whatever reason, this year has just been more virulent. (Ha! Pun somewhat intended). And it took me several months to see for myself how much of my energy was diverted away from other things in my life and consumed by fighting off infections.

So maybe it’s not that I’m fragmented so much as I am currently doing too many things for the altered supply of stamina I have.

Or am I splitting hairs here?

Anyway, I think things are turning around (ignoring the 30-degree weather today, of course). I’m starting to feel better, and my doctor and I have an official plan to try and get me through the next few months. Oh, how I do love me a good plan. I am encouraged by this, and I am confident I can get past the nine-day mark soon. I am not as stressed by the pile of things to do because I’m actually able to chip away it.

And winter? It’s officially over. Now I just need the lungs to get the memo, and we’re all good.

I’m back.

(Apparently, this is what two virtually continuous days of feeling okay will do for a soul.)

Thanks for waiting.

Who’s Your Mentor?

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Today was a much-needed break in Boston—the sun was shining, the snow was melting, and from my perch in sick bay, it was possible to believe this long, punishing winter has an end in sight. October-May are a total wash for me typically, and with DST this weekend, suddenly June doesn’t seem so far away.

I’m sick of being cold and sick there’s not much else say about it, and I’ve had enough writing about health and health care reform for at least a few days, so we’re taking a spring break and talking writing and mentors today.

I read Penelope Trunk’s blog, Brazen Careerist, regularly. From advice on job interviews to musings about gender in the workplace to things I’d never know about venture capital and start-ups otherwise, her material is always informative and usually very entertaining as well. (I love some snark when it’s combined with authenticity and intelligence.)

Anyway, one of her recent posts was about finding a good mentor—in fact, it is called “Get Your Next Mentor By Being Slightly Annoying.” I read this post a day after I’d given a presentation on publishing and social media to nonfiction students in Emerson College’s MFA program. The timing was uncanny, because one of the things I told the students was to be “politely persistent,” to have the confidence to follow up several times and to keep putting yourself out there no matter how many rejections you get. Whether it’s trying to nail down a mentor, as in Trunk’s case, finding an agent, or landing a piece in a big-name glossy, I think the premise remains the same.

(As an aside, here’s a more extreme example of “polite persistence”: I was wait-listed for a competitive program I fully believed I deserved to be in. What can I say? I was young, and suffered from a mix of naiveté and hubris. Every other Monday for the three months in between the wait list notification and the time the letters of acceptance went out, I mailed the dean of admissions a letter that talked about what I believed I’d gain from the program and what I hoped to contribute, and included new published materials each time. I got in, and joked they were simply tired of seeing my return address.)

But the blog post made me think about things beyond matters of persistence—namely, the importance and value of mentors.

I thought about my high school journalism advisor, who sacrificed countless evenings and weekends to help us put out the paper. But she did so much more than that for me. She exposed me to writing conferences and competitions that gave me confidence and concrete goals. Above all, she helped me find a voice—an identity, really—in a world often dominated by my illnesses. Finally, I had a constant. A decade later, few people have had more of an impact on my life and my choices.

I thought about my college journalism professor, who encouraged me to apply for the internship at a national newspaper and quite literally brought issues of ethics, morals and professionalism to our class through her personal experiences (she knew Woodward and Bernstein) and the dynamic speakers she arranged. It was her true passion for what she did that most influential; not many people I know are as deeply committed to and energized by their careers than she is. I didn’t want to disappoint her.

That’s what great mentors do, I think; they challenge us to be better people and better professionals by virtue of their own accomplishments and their integrity. It’s more than simply teaching us skills or dispensing advice.

I am lucky that in this latest stage in my life I continue to have incredible mentors, like the cousin who reads every draft of every major project I do, who taught me the language of grant-writing and research proposals and whose perspective has informed my work in so many ways, or the agent who does much more than negotiates contracts and submits my work but invests himself fully in my ideas and advocates for them.

We talked about the “hidden curriculum” of medicine in my classes this semester, the knowledge learned in hallways and during anecdotal exchanges—lessons that do not occur in the traditional med school classroom. Part of the discussion involved those role models who may not even be even aware they are serving that function. Now more than ever I recognize how many people like that are in my world—what may be just a link or an introduction or a passing idea on their part opens up a whole new avenue of possibilities. For someone like me who is still learning and expanding what I do, that hour-long lunch, that really wonderful phone call, or that amazing talk really can have a lasting impact, and plays a part in the choices I make and the goals I strive for long after the fact.

Long story short: Yes, persistence is a huge component of success in any field, but having people who are willing to share their time and expertise is, I’d argue, just as valuable. For as long as you keep evolving personally and professionally, I think you never outgrow the value of a mentor.

Do you agree?